When you HAFE to fart, you HAFE to fart!

Stinking to high heavens has found a new metaphor ever since the recent fart-attack in a Dutch Airline plane.

It’s no flight of flatulency, media reports do confirm that it was indeed the “unrestrained” rectal honks of a passenger that forced the plane to make an unscheduled stop at Vienna.

Talking of Austria, Hitler, who was born there, suffered from “chronic flatulence.” Although in this case, it was unclear whether the passenger had a medical condition, but cabin pressure in the aeroplane does apparently lead to intestinal gas build up.

Researchers call it: High Altitude Flatus Expulsion or HAFE, and studies show that just like mountain climbers, who by the way do fart more at higher altitudes we’re told, air in the intestines expands in the plane leading to the inevitable gaseous expulsion.

Now, holding that fart is not known to have any serious side effects, but a healthy body needs the thunder down under on an average 14-20 times a day, and the vegetarians mind you, have an edge here.

A phenomenon well documented by the anal acoustics of the multi-faceted Paresh Rawal in the movie Guest in London. Not to forget Salman’s gassy roof-top spin in Bhansali’s romantic blockbuster Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.

Coming back to the plane though, what’s more disgusting is the fact that since about 50 percent of cabin air is recycled you’re literally stuck in the stinker. A fact that gets even more difficult to take in when you read that average human toots enough to blow a birthday balloon. The birthday candles? Now that could be risky, because this combination of hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, carbon dioxide, sulfur dioxide and, in some cases, methane, is explosive.

Best then, to avoid the ancient Japanese “farting contest” to see who could break wind the loudest and longest. We better stick to the whoopee cushion and farting apps guys and leave all the emitting to the creative flatulists, who make a living out of farting or the experts on the other size of the gas bomb: the professional fart smellers of China, who can diagnose the condition of your intestines with one whiff!

That same whiff could arouse an eproctophilia, the human mate-incarnate of the female Southern Pine Beetle that expels pheromone-laden farts to attract males. A farting herring though might just be chit-chatting with the school. Taking a cue from nature, St Valentine also declared it loud and clear this Feb14th that “couples who fart together, stay together!”

It’s not all gas, but quite awkward anyways, like that awkward moment when your shoe makes the wrong sound on the floor and you know there’s no way to persuade anyone that you haven’t just farted.

But fikar not. Scientists are at it, and believe it or not there already are branded fart-suppressing underwear, minty panty patches to filter the farts and pills that can make your vapours smell like chocolate or roses. Do I smell a commercial conspiracy here? Can be quite confusing for the rectal catheter, but no one’s complaining. For “never hold up your farts,” some say, “they travel up your spine, into your brain, and that’s where shitty ideas come from.” Time to wake up and smell the coffee eh? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind…

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